So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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