Im at strip club and am horny
The maid of honor just puked.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
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