I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
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