I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
