Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
