Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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