Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
