mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
