Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
