You kept calling me your small dog last night.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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