It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize
