so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
