I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
