There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
