Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Sorry about my life...
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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