as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
