I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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