You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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