I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
