I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Randomize
