Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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