It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
My dick has a subreddit
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
