If that was your dad, he is hot
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
i drank out of a bidet.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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