I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
