If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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