He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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