I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
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