I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
