took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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