i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
