Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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