you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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