Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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