Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
