I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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