Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
