I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I am full of burrito and curiosity
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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