Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
