i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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