dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
