Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize