it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
