Already got asked if we're dating
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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