i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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