no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize