apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
