sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
