just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
