Swine flu is the new snow day.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Is Oprah even human
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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