I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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