i think my tv is drunk
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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