in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
