Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
