Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Are my feet made of real feet?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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