Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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