I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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