i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
