I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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