I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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