I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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