Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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